This fella came to the door the other day offering a free mammogram. I’m SO embarrassed I fell for it! I think it was a scam.
Can you believe my brother actually sent this one to me!
MAMMOGRAMS.……… Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.
Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED! Author Unknown
Ode to a Mammogram:
- For years and years they told me, “Be careful of your breasts.”
- Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them, and give them monthly tests.
- So, I heeded all their warnings…..and protected them by law….
- Guarded them very carefully, and always wore a bra.
- After 10 years of careful care, the doctor found a lump.
- He ordered up a mammogram to look inside that clump.
- “Stand up very close,” the nurse said, as she got my tit in line,
- “And tell me when it hurts,” she said. “Ah, yes….that’s just fine.”
- She stepped upon a pedal….I could not believe my eyes,
- A plastic plate was pressing down….My boob was in a vice….
- My skin was stretched and stretched from way up by my chin,
- And my poor tit was being squashed to Swedish pancake thing……
- Excruciating pain I felt, within it’s vice-like grip,
- A prisoner in this vicious thing…..My poor defenseless tit……
- “Take a deep breath” she said to me. Who does she think she’s kidding?
- My chest is smashed in her machine, I can’t breathe and woozy I am getting!
- “There, that was good” I heard her say, as the room was slowly swaying.
- “Now let’s get the other one.”……..”Lord have mercy,” I was praying.
- It squeezed me from the up and down, it squeezed me from both sides,
- I’ll bet she never has this done to HER tender little hide.
- If I had no problem when I first came in, I surely have one now……
- If there had been a cyst in there, it would have popped Ker-Pow!
- This machine was made by a MAN, of this I have no doubt…..
- I’d like to get his balls in there…..for months he’d go WITHOUT!